well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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