i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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