i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
