So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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