Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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