Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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