I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
