I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize