Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
