Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
