as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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