I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
