im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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