Plan B is the new Plan A
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
