my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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