I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
