He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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