She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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