I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
