K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
