She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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