Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
