So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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