Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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