Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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