Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize