just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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