the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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