So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize