In the future we'll all be gay
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
