Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
