We named our party play list daddy issues
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
