do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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