I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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