my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
That was before I lit my hair on fire
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
