No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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