Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i love accidental penises.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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