How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
