Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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