i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Church boner. Awkwardddd
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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