Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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