If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
