I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
my poor anus
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
