Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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