I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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