Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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