dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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