i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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