he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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