The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
