im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
