CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
