My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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