Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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