i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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