Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
