i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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