Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
