wanna go halves on a baby?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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