When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
