Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
