WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
