I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
