i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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