That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
