bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
