so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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