conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
