i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
